A DISCUSS ON TRANSACTIONAL SEX

In our world today, three factors control the society. They are Power, Money and Sex. These three work hand in hand in various ways and in no particular order.

Money could get a person power and sex, Power could get money and sex, likewise Sex could get a person money and power. Like every other topic, this is arguable.

It will be pretentious to act as though this is a recent development because for as far dated as the records have shown, this method has been in occurrence.

To show precedence of how long this has been in our world, we can backtrack to a somewhat familiar Bible story that records how Uriah, an officer in King David’s army, whom David, sexually desiring his gorgeous wife Bathsheba, caused to be killed in battle[1]. This story shows a link between Power and Sex.

Over the years, books, movies and real life have shown us how supposed favours have been offered in exchange for money, sex or promise of power. So by this time, this topic should not appear as a strange concept.

This behaviour is not exclusive to a particular gender. Like everything achieved with authority, it is prevalent by the more powerful gender in the circumstance.

Being more specific to Sex, sexual acts are used both as bait and barter. In several instances we observe sex being used as a condition for offering a service to a person in a desperate condition and also as means to persuade a person to grant a favour. (This is an opportunity to highlight that using sex as a condition to granting aid or service is a form of sexual assault, even if the person in need of assistance accepts the offer.)

This occurrence has been recorded to happen so regularly in schools, places of employment, domestic settings, and so on in exchange for grades, employment, promotion, money, even as means of blackmail.

This is wrong but for obvious reasons continues to prevail, and is embedded to the point that the basis for transactional sex can merely be implied or expected without any direct words or terms being said.

An example of an implied transactional sex proposal would be a recent experience of mine.

––––––– During a Christmas break, an old friend noticed that I was holidaying in his city. He said he wasn’t around but would be returning the next day and suggested that we meet. I told him that the chances of that were slim as I would be returning home the day he would also be on coming to his city, but that if he returns early, we might be able to see briefly because my flight was not until evening.

He suggested that I move my flight to the next day because traffic would likely be a problem and I made it clear that I already purchased my flight ticket and will only move it if he was going to cover the moving charge.

He agreed, so I moved the flight and texted him my bank details along with the amount I was charged. He seemed calm and happy about our plan and I was equally looking forward to it because we had not seen each other in six years.

On the day that we planned to meet at about 11am, I went to the place he was lodged to see him. There was some catching up and our conversation was mostly about work. I told him what I do and he also told me about his job, their branches and how he manages working in different regions and in two countries.

It was interesting and I was enjoying my stay. Somewhere in the conversation, I reminded him that he didn’t transfer the cost of moving my flight like he said he would. When I did he asked for my account details again and asked how much it was, I told him and he sent four times the actual amount. I didn’t ask or expect that so it was surprising and I said thanks. I also asked why he sent that sum and he said “the amount was small.” Oh I see…

No inappropriate remarks were made and our conversation continued as usual. After a while, I needed to leave, so I did. He also went somewhere when I left but rang my phone much later that night asking me to come to his hotel. I declined for personal reasons; He was persistent and suggested that I could sleep round if I was worried about returning home late. He kept insisting and I was too busy to continue engaging in a phone call, so I said I’d get back to him and did not show up.

The following day, this dude calls me and his first words were “you played a fast one on me right?” I questioned his choice of words and asked that he explain what prompted him to speak to me in that tone. Rather than give a response, he hung up right after saying “don’t bother calling me back.” Of course I perceived a strong sense of entitlement from him and was insulted. I wish I could transcribe in words the look on my face that day.

This is a former school mate I had not seen in 6 years and just had what seemed like a nice brief reconnection with. I was curious to know what that disrespect was about but didn’t call him back.

Ten days later, he sends me an Instagram DM that said “pathetic”. Just like that! I was infuriated and replied asking him if he expected sex from me because of the transfer he made to my account. I also asked if he’d stop harassing me if I sent the money back to him and this guy forwarded me his account details.

You can pause and laugh if you want, because I did too when I received his Access bank account details. In case you’re wondering, I did not make any refund to him and after eight days, he sent another rude message which I responded with a lengthy paragraph reading him for filth.

This happened in January and after all the things I said to him, I doubt that he will be repeating this sort of behaviour in the near future. He called me aggressive and other names but none of that matters now. –––––––

Away from the crass and embarrassing exchange, I could tell that this was an implied transactional sex gone woefully wrong! I shared the experience with a few people, most of whom were equally surprised. The remark of a particular man on the other hand, was notable. He said, “Don’t be naïve. So you’re telling me you didn’t know? Did he need to spell it out? Why else would he offer to move your ticket if he didn’t want to have sex with you?”

That was staggering to hear but it confirmed that this sort of implied transactional sex is not new to several men. This acquaintance made this seem like such a normal and popular occurrence.

If you take a moment to digest this, you will see how problematic this method and behaviour is and potentially how harmful it can be.

If I had not experienced this, I probably would not have been prompted to have this conversation.

There has been a lot of deflecting

Transactional sex as mentioned earlier can be understood as sex in exchange for something. Something can be a fee, or whatever the parties involved agree is valuable consideration. This exchange qualifies it as a transaction. Examples where given above where it could be offensive, an abuse of power, a criminal violation, and so on.

Going forward, we will take a closer look at Sex Work. It is defined as the practice or occupation of engaging in sexual activity with someone for payment. This practice has taken many names and forms. They include the oldest profession, sex tourism, harlotry, rough trade, runs, etc. – These are all forms of transactional sex. As a matter of fact when you think of the term transactional sex, this is what first comes to mind. People do not immediately consider the other forms because they are inappropriate in the circumstance, but they happen and we know that they do.

Something that stands out with sex work is that it is the only form of transactional sex which does not involve an abuse of power. So although it may be illegal in some countries, sex work is an occupation and consent is a determining factor. Persons in superior position offering sex in exchange for a service or favour may seem as though they are proposing a ‘transactional sex offer’ because you give and get something in return. However, this interpretation can be deceitful because there is a power imbalance. Depending on context, it can be sexual harassment or sexual assault.

“If a person has to sleep with another to get a job or a promotion, it is repression and violent intimidation. It is weakening worker power through sexual violence.”[2]

For transactional sex to be valid, there must be balance of power and consent must be freely given without duress or a consequence if the offer is declined. Although we are talking more specifically about sex work, It is worth noting that valid transactional sex is not exclusive to that alone.

In sex work, one person voluntarily offers sex as a service and gets paid for it. There are many variations of this and some are more sophisticated than others.

Some organisations are of the view that exchanging money for sex is sexual exploitation. However, In comparison to other examples listed one may observe that this is one of the only forms of Transactional Sex where the person offering the service has complete autonomy in the circumstance.

Both men and women engage in sex work and people who practice this are often shamed, especially women.

Wherever you are If you do a little memory juggle you will remember a time where a woman who was doing well in her field was rumoured to have sexed her way to the top. This is sexist, utterly ridiculous and wrong and for a society that claim to hate transactional sex, it is absolutely strange that this thought seamlessly pops in people’s minds. But it also confirms our earlier discuss that although people publicly claim to hate transactional sex, some think of it as a ladder and acknowledge it's popularity; maybe even secretly engage in it.

I’ve heard of instances where popular persons ask or expect sex from a party who is equally willing to have sex but gets offended when asked to pay a fee. This is interesting because often times the reason they expect people to jump in bed with them is because of their celebrity status, but frown when asked for a monetary benefit. I guess the issue here isn’t that they hate casual sex or promiscuity but that they have a hard time pathing with their money. It will not be far from the truth to refer to this as entitlement. It also is not farfetched to assume that what the society really hates is seeing people benefit off sex.

Could this be hypocrisy?

Sex work is also known as the oldest profession and this is because transactional sex did not start today; it has always happened and is here to stay.

Even the Bible makes mention of several harlots and also highlights the hypocrisy towards sex work. One of my favourite stories would be the story of Judah and Tamar.

––––––– Judah saw Tamar, didn’t see her face because it was covered in a veil and assumed she was a prostitute. I’m guessing sex workers at the time had to cover their faces to avoid being recognised and shamed.

He solicited her for transactional sex and she agreed. He didn’t have the ‘consideration’ to pay at the moment and gave her some of his personal items as pledge, pending when he brought their agreed payment. He gave her his seal, its cord, and his staff and slept with her.

Later, he sent his friend to pay her and retrieve his items but the friend couldn’t find her. The friend asked around for the prostitute that stayed there but the people there didn’t know of any prostitute, so he went back to Judah and reported that he didn’t find her.

Judah decided that they stop looking for her so people won’t notice and make them a laughing stock; besides he did make an attempt to pay up.

Three months later Judah was told that his daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution, and as a result is pregnant. When he heard he said “Bring her out and have her burned to death!” Wooow.

As she was being brought out, she sent a message to him saying, “I am pregnant by the man who owns these”, referring to his personal items that she had in her possession. And she added, “see if you recognise whose seal and cord and staff these are.” Of course they were his and he recognised them. When he did he said, “she is more righteous than I…”.[3]–––––––

This is a summary. When I think of this story I wonder how Mr. Judah must have felt when he caught himself being a hypocrite. I also wonder if he still would have accepted that the items were his if she didn’t send that message to him privately. Would he have denied them to save face? I guess we will never know.

In conclusion, every person within their moral compass has an opinion on this matter. We are all entitled to our different views and over here, all opinions are valid. Nonetheless, now is a good time to consider if hypocrisy has a part in your opinion.

If you made it to the end of this article, CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE A STAR!!

These are my opinions, feel free to share yours in the comment section.

[1] 2Sam11

[2] @solidarityCntr.

[3] Gen38